This letter was written by Dora Jane (WILEY) KEY to Doris Janet (BYRAM) McDERMENT at the time of her marriage to Edmund Marley McDERMENT.

Dear Doris,
All alone I have little to think of but your marriage. My heart so full of love for you and the success of it. It just must be a success, it must not be otherwise. All through the years I was being father and mother both, I had an ambition in mind. As soon as I knew my own was able to care for themselves my idea of being useful was to be really that. My great ambition was to go into homes and lend a hand and to endeavor to find why such homes were not happy. I am hoping a few observations I made might be helpful to you. This is not advise. It’s poor stuff to had out. Experience is the only way to commence and as a rule what might be good advise for one would be futile to give another. One observation I have made is that ninety-nine out of one hundred will say it is impossible to have an absolutely happy home. This is not true, a fact that I can testify to. I know the experience was mine. One half-hour before my husband passed on he said “Must I die?” On being informed there was no hope he said “And this is the end of six years of complete happiness.” This did not just happen so. We were two human beings. Neither endowed with any super human traits. We had tempers, much ups and downs of all sort, but we kept good common sense in the foreground. It took courage, often sacrifice, but we did it.

To us, marriage was the most beautiful state of a man and woman. Marriage is the merging of two bodies in one. The vows we took was most sacred “Until death do us part, in sickness or health,” meant just that. We couldn’t overlook any of it. One of the few rules was if it should occur that we didn’t quite agree and we felt the curse of human beings TEMPER would get the best of us, we stopped looked right at each other, and counted twenty. Only we didn’t get twenty counted ever. We was in each others arms. Later it was easy to settle it. I like another method too. Stop long enough to realize what heartache the bitter, angry words will leave. A story my grandmother used to tell had a great effect- Since I knew the situation I could see the logic. Peter Martin had a vineyard and beer garden just at the south end of Sidney and was near neighbor to her. The Martins both very courteous persons and enjoyed a good falling out – but they got along beautifully themselves. He gave this as his reason – When she gets mad, I keep quiet. When I get mad, she keeps quiet. A most conclusive solution. This is only one way to settle the argument. Don’t argue. If one has formed the habit of getting the floor and keeping it to air their views, the best cure for that is give them the room all to their selves. It’s no fun without an audience.  

When we establish a home we are not just forming some rooms with a roof over it. We are making a place where the environment is to be only a source of sweet mansions. For this reason I can’t see blaspheme or crude talk can add to this end. Our language is extensive enough, it’s easy enough to express ourselves without taking the name of God in vain. The man or woman who can enjoy lewd conversation would enjoy a burlesque show and lives only from the waist down. What a pity.

I have observed also, and it has never been explained to my satisfaction, why a couple can fall all over themselves to be generous and courteous before marriage can become rude and forget that. No matter how many years go by courtesy is the greatest factor in preserving that Love that cast such a glamorous arch at the start. A very few weeks after I was married by husband drove to the gate where I was to join him. He turned the horses head and had the buggy just right for me to step in but sat still. I said something had been forgotten. I went back and went in, came back and was hoping he would see. Still he didn’t move. I stood still and said “Yes”. Did he get out of that buggy helped me in. I said thank you. We neither mentioned it and it never happened again. He was as courteous until he died, and I assure you I didn’t let him beat me.  

Another of the many contributions to unhappiness and resentment is the habit many have formed – To slam one another in public. I wonder if they would if they could read the minds of present company. It’s the one who does it that they resent. Such rudeness is not endorsed by people.  

A wife has the big end of success in her hand. I finds men are usually what a woman lets them be. It’s every wives duty to serve a good breakfast, one that fills the husbands special need. She should be able at all times to see him out of the house never forgetting an affectionate Goodby. It gives a man something to work for and an assurance he has something to return to after his day at work. It’s a wives duty to have a meal ready, neatly altered, to greet him and give him a hearty welcome. Some men are tired and often irritable. Why I don’t know. The wise wife sees to it he is fed and he can find a comfortable place to sit in to sulk it out. Refrain most rigidly from telling him any of the problems you have had. In all probability they are the wives (problems), and have no reason to add to his already frayed nerves.

Again, a wise man leaves his place of work any problems that he should solve himself, or enlist the help of the proper person. I do not mean that it couldn’t be discussed if it has any bearing on your own condition. Marriage is a fifty-fifty state but that doesn’t include problems that are strictly your own.  

I still haven’t solved a habit I hear as often. How or why each other can assume they have a right to say things to each other such as shut-up. Or, if you don’t like it get out. Even swearing direct.  

I think hospitals are fine, but I believe every man should stand right by his wife and actually see what it costs a woman to give birth to his child. He can pace the hall, frantic to be sure, and has no conception of what it means. If it is a couples idea that a fight once in a while clears the atmosphere, let them get it out of their system before they bring into the world children who must in many cases have love for one of the parents deadened. I like the idea that we used with OUR children. You can see I emphasize the word OUR. We put them to bed together, each doing something that would impress the child that it wasn’t dads job to be a meal ticket. Few men can or will resist a romp with youngsters. Of course the mothers job to get them all cleaned up and after dad and they have romped he lifts them in his arms, carries them to bed, and watches while mother tucks them in. a real father doesn’t live that does not get a real thrill out of such a treat.  

Again, money gets all mixed up with home affairs and most couples succumb to self-pity. No difference how alarming it may seem, there is always a way out. It may require calculating and plenty of courage. After all the only thing that really matters is your own selves. If death hasn’t entered the home you can have so much to be grateful for. Anything else will adjust itself after a while. In the meantime be more than usually careful to stand firm together.  

I could ramble on for ages but I believe I have hit on many causes for an unhappy life. If you can be as serious as I you can steer clear of many things that mar. I have only love and the best wishes for your future.

                                                                             Grandma Key

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